How to Best Support
someone facing cancer or uncertain times
Before we begin, an important reminder that these are suggestions based on my worldview, treatment cycle, and personality. While the specifics may change, the approach is fairly universal ‘how to be a good friend’ stuff. This is ONE way, not THEE way.
Time.
Cancer like grief, loss, illness, and often parenthood can be lonely and unpredictable. There is a whole new world of considerations and the newness hits just keep coming. There is the physical - do I have the stamina for this? What if I get sick and am away from my house? Should I risk this with such a taxed immune system? If I go out, will there be a place for me to sit if I need to rest? What if everyone else is standing? There is also the emotional - will people treat me differently since I look different? What if I invite someone over and panic? Then the biggest question - how do I plan for anything when everything is so uncertain?
I’ll be honest, this one is the most difficult to give suggestions on as I’m still figuring it out. What I know without a shadow of a doubt is there is no fucking way I’m getting through this alive and stable without a community and a team of support around me, and I believe that is the same for every person facing difficult times. The time together may look different, but that can be super fun, interesting, and exciting too! I have a friend, Emily, who BC (before cancer) we’d spend our time running or hiking, and now our ritual is we end our nights reading poetry in our gardens to one another that we send via voice memo. There are days that that single gesture pulls me from the depths of my own self-loathing back into the light.
A few things I’ve learned so far on spending time:
Ask before you visit. Always assume you’re going to them. Also, assume it’s just you and maybe your partner. Want to bring the kids? Ask them what they would prefer, acknowledging their reality.
Have visits be short and frequent rather than hours long.
Offer short walks, watching a movie/TV, giggling at Tik Tok or YouTube - things that require lots of relaxing
Offer to cook them a meal/snack while you’re there. It could be a fun way to be together.
Time doesn’t have to be physical. Take a note from the story about Emily above, a nice video or audio message is a great way to connect. (just be sure not to expect anything in return)
Use the Marco Polo app. This is my favorite way to communicate with friends/family as it’s short videos instead of text that I can watch and record on my own time.
Consider the caregiver(s), scheduling something with them doing some of the same things as above, or gift them something time-related and hang with your c-beezie while they’re out.
Worried about what to talk about? Refer to the communication tips down below. In short, be a curious active listener.
Don’t take a ‘no’ personally and accept it fully.
The resources section below offers some good additional tips on how to support. Keep reading for more specifics on gifts, communication, and caregiver support.
Gift Giving.
Who doesn’t love gifts? As difficult as they can be to receive, small and considerate gifts are bright spots, especially on the darker days. I’ve learned the most appreciated support is a person who:
Knows me well enough to gift practical and/or funny and simple things based on what I may like.
Does their own research by asking someone I’m close to (not the primary caregiver) or Googling “gifts for a cancer patient” or “gifts for a person that likes [fill in the passion]” thus avoiding a message to me asking if I need anything (I will very likely always say no - this isn’t about need)
If you’re going to spend it, put the money to good use considering the needs of the one you’re supporting. It may feel to you like it’s lacking emotion to purchase a Door Dash gift card, but I literally wept when I received one from my employer as now I have options for those brutal days in the hospital for some food. Before spending $50 on art supplies and chocolates ask yourself if that is what you feel like you should buy or if it fits the actual person.
Your goal with gifts = Joy and/or ease.
Again, it’s difficult to go wrong with gifts. The only oh no-no’s with gifts would be gifting something that requires work or storage (e.g. large plants, pets, large works of art) or any religious/spiritual gifts. I’ll write more on the reasons why no religious stuff another time, but in short, the person is VERY likely on their own spiritual path and certain things could be triggering AF. If unsure, ask permission and fully accept the answer.
As for the “best” gifts, read ahead about curiosity but I’ll list a few that have stood out as pretty universally helpful:
Gift cards to food delivery services or local food favorites
Bamboo silverware. Metal tastes weird so this is clutch.
Healthy, anti-inflammatory non-perishable foods. Someone gifted me a box with tea, Chaga powder, turmeric, sugar-free hard candy, dried cherries and I’ve used it all. PS NEVER give nutrition advice unless it’s asked for. In fact, don’t give ANY life advice unless it’s asked for.
Anti-nausea hard candy. The lesson here was this was a gift researched by a friend given in anticipation of a possible symptom. I carry these everywhere as a safety net and never would have thought of them.
Non-fiction and poetry books. Nothing cancer-related. I love to read and have lots of time. Again, an example of knowing me and my passions.
A personalized playlist on Spotify (the modern mixtape)
Send/message them pictures of positive memories of you together or funny memes or good movies/tv/videos to watch
Other ideas: toxin-free housecleaning (yourself or hire) or other house projects they want completing, air purifiers (think immune boosting/protecting gifts), cozy blankets and pajamas
This is such a powerless time for all. Really, don’t stress about getting it wrong, and also don’t stress about gifting at all. Connection is what matters. This brings us to…
Communication 101: Be curious
Picking up where I left off above, this is NOT the time to give advice or tell stories about your mom/aunt/friend/dog who had cancer and recovered and, for the love of God, do not tell me how they did it, especially if the word ‘cleanse’ or ‘fast’ is part of it. Cancer is like being strapped backward to a wild horse - the world is moving by fast, you don’t know where you’re going, and it smells like shit. Your job? To love. How do you love? With your quiet, your giving of gifts (including the gift of time), and/or with quality questions.
Now, not all questions are created equal. While sent in love with beautiful intentions, some may come across as more of a burden than support. Take for example the most commonly asked question: “How are you doing?” Let’s do a little roleplay. Imagine the worst thing that ever happened to you in your life. Can you picture it? Okay, now imagine describing that thing in vivid detail a dozen times a day. Feel like shit? Exactly. That said, a quality question asked with zero expectations in the right way can have the opposite impact, one of relief and connection. First, a few things not to do AKA oh no no’s:
Take it personally if you don’t get a response. This includes following up with, “not sure if you saw my last message but…” The one you’re supporting is navigating a lot of new things that has nothing to do with you so please give them some grace and space without worrying that you’ll be hurt or angry. Again, this time is not about you. They need 100% of their energy for surviving and thriving. Love is not a zero-sum game.
Ask, “how are you doing?” (see above) or saying “let me know if you need anything.” The latter put the one you’re supporting responsible for reaching out. Instead, offer what you can and check-in using the questions below.
Tell any story about the person you know who had/has cancer even if it’s a good news story. By doing this you are now putting the person you're supporting in the position to 1. support you and your feelings by asking questions about the person in your story or 2. make it seem like their reality/pain is not that big of a deal.
Request the person walk you through their treatment or ask specifics about their diagnosis without first asking for permission to do so. This is totally cool and actually may be therapeutic for some once permission is granted. Example: “Would it be helpful to talk about your treatment or diagnosis? I’m very interested in learning more but only if it would serve you to do so.”
Give honest compliments
Some examples of quality questions and things to say:
No questions. Just listen or be silent. The most powerful message I have received was a video from my BFF Sarah right after my diagnosis where she sat silently looking into the camera lens shaking her head with her hand on her forehead for 5 minutes and I just wept. She was with me at that moment. There was nothing to say. Silence held it all.
Stating, “I’m so sorry this is happening to you” OR “this sucks”
I love you. We are in this together. (only if you mean it)
Do you feel like talking/venting about anything today?
How can I best support you right now?
In moments and days you’re feeling good, how do you enjoy passing your time? (this informs gift-giving as well)
Don’t expect a thank you note.
This is not a wedding or a baby shower, it may be the darkest days of someone’s life and the last thing on their mind is keeping a spreadsheet of people to thank. If you send something, drop it off, order it for them, just let it go. Please don’t check in with them to see what they think or even that they receive it, that’s what package tracking is for. Bask in the fact that you did something loving and that love will be returned to you in various ways.
Remember the caregivers.
Read back through all the above and do the same for the primary caregivers. Everything that is happening to the supported is also happening to them by proxy yet they often get totally missed with no support. Gifting? Give something for them as well. Checking in with a question? Do that for them as well. Massages, pajamas, gift cards, playlists, chores - all ways to show support for the whole family. Check with them early and often.
Resources for supporters.
Everything Happens for a Reason by Kate Bowler. Check out the back pages for resources as well as watch her TEDtalk
Suleika Jaouad’s TEDtalk on her battle with leukemia is profound and educational for supporters and the supported.
Resources on the No Time to Waste blog. Alison, its curator, has terminal cancer and a kick-ass podcast. The resources are the most comprehensive, quality list I’ve found.
Best (and worst) Things to Say to Someone Facing Cancer