Borrowed from the WNYC podcast by the same name, I first made this list in 2017. Maybe it was my age (late-30’s) or the recent inauguration of Trump after an arduous election or my beloved Olive, the first cat that made me a cat mommy, losing her 2-year battle to an immune disorder, but for the first time, the world started to feel scary in new, profound ways. With so much on my plate with the world, with work, with a move back to Oregon from California, I didn’t have the capacity for an expansion outward; for vacations or job changes or other profound “flight” avoidance techniques I’d gravitated towards in the past. The expansion would need to go deeper, not wider.

So the deep dive began.

Making the list was cathartic and I made a full-course meal out of the process. In the car, laying in bed at night, in meditation, on runs, and still moments in-between the busy, I’d unleash my mind to go poking around in memories of the past. I began with the things I thought I was afraid of. Closing my eyes, I’d place myself physically in that situation and feel what my body felt. Was there a physical response that felt like fear? If so, I wrote it down. This went on and on - pause, feel, make notes - for weeks until I had a long list of 30ish items. From that list would launch another round of examination, of crossing off and re-adding fears - each one crossed off to achieve the limit of 10, a release.

Being a fan of road trips and not destination vacations, just this process of pause, feel, make note was a good fit and has made a profound, lasting impression permeating all the way into my virtues, the core of who I am. Up to this point, I hadn’t given myself permission or just the simple/not simple time to pause and examine the truth of my own stories. For example, I was SURE that I was afraid of choking to death by myself which, yeah, not great, but once I pictured it I couldn’t also picture knowing how to solve the problem (which I do, thanks EMT training) so a fear I’d attached to this-is-Hayley-who-is-afraid-of-choking was immediately released from my own narrative. This letting go of old baggage happened over and over until I began to question all my held beliefs. Now when I find myself saying “I (Hayley) am X” I pause, feel, and make a note. This process is so integral to my life that I now have a reoccurring January + June calendar invite to revisit this list, to revisit my fears and my stories, and do the work of detangling truth from fiction. After years of practice, now I can hear the stories I tell about myself coming out of my mouth, and am getting better and pausing in the moment to check, is this still true?

2017. Evan (the boyfriend I married), me with hair, and Jack & Hazel, some of our beloved youth, kiddos of my BFF Sarah, a few of many we do this all this inner and future-building work for.

The world does what it does and has transformed pretty stupendously since that first list in 2017. I’m writing this now in a hospital bed feeling pretty dang crummy hooked up to chemotherapy bag 3 of 4 on cycle 5 of 6 in treating double hit large B-Cell Lymphoma, a beastly diagnosis (and so far, I’m beating back that beast). I’m facing this cycle without company as guests are rightly prohibited from visiting this filled-to-capacity hospital with 2+ floors and a full ICU of those suffering the nasty effects of Covid-19 and its delta variant as we go on 2-years of battling back this unyielding pandemic. There are tragic, terrifying images coming from Afghanistan as the US pulls troops and the Taliban take control, a new normal of wildfires rage across the West where I call home - one of many climate changes and disasters devastating lives. Fortunate to have girlfriends, we talk about these things, exchange our fear, our outrage, our concern, for ourselves, for their children. We know we cannot run away - where would we run to? Our support structure is here, our battleground is here.

As the old adage goes, we have a choice to stand our ground and choose if we’re going to allow this fear to make us bitter or better. To have any shot at transforming the world into the peace, beauty, and love that I and my fellow sisters and brothers long for, even the world within the walls of my mind and body, I must first choose allowing fear to make me better. Yet I cannot repair what I don’t first understand and if I don’t understand myself, of knowing my superpowers and my fears, I won’t have the power to meet others where they are - the necessary ground-zero of true, transformative change.

So it goes, without further ado and hot off the presses, my latest list of the 10 things that scare me:

A knife falling off the kitchen counter and stabbing my cat
My husband dying before me
Being in chronic pain that consumes my mind and energy
The world running out of potable water
Getting raped
Cliffs (will I fall or jump off?)
Losing my ability or freedom to read and write
My mom and/or in-laws forgetting who I am
Turbulence on airplanes
Eels

Awww, the sweet relief of staring the boogyman in the eyes, naming the fears, and moving on to the dang moment to moment living, work, play, of experiencing the endless list of things I love about being alive. I encourage you to listen to the brief 10-20 minute podcast episodes of 10 Things That Scare Me if you want context (and maybe ideas) for making your own list. Share your list with me or with someone who will hold non-judgemental space for you. Be curious. See what happens.

Most importantly, write the list and then lay.it.down. It does not serve you, it does not serve me, in the goodness that is available right now. After all, WE’RE ALIVE!!! YAY!!! In a world with cute animals and burritos! Protector of cute animals and burritos - the hill I will die on.

It took 2 kitties to replace the gapping hole in our hearts left by Olive - so enter Clementine and Luna to help mend the broken hearts, starting with Olive’s sister Ginger.

10 things that scare me.

Punished.

Cancer jumped the shark.